


The Conversation

by lullabelle_moon



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Deep Conversations, Hurt and comfort, M/M, coming clean, prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-10
Updated: 2015-08-10
Packaged: 2018-04-14 00:35:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,681
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4543428
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lullabelle_moon/pseuds/lullabelle_moon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Based on a prompt: Robert runs into Aaron and takes the opportunity to get a few things off his chest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Conversation

Aaron heard him before he saw him. He was lying on the bench by the cricket ground and was watching the clouds. He finally had some time all to himself and wanted nothing more than to just sit in the quiet and be alone with his thoughts; the fact that most of his thoughts were about the man that was now standing near him were beside the point. He glanced up at him,  
“What?”  
Robert swallowed,  
“Can I talk to you?”  
Aaron shifted slightly and put his arm behind his head,  
“I’m not moving. You can sit on the floor.”  
Robert glanced around and sat down on the grass beside Aaron’s legs. Aaron looked at him; shocked at the fact that he actually did as he had said.  
“So what do you want?”  
Robert looked at him,  
“How are you?”  
Aaron scoffed,  
“Care do you? Left over guilt after trying to kill me?”  
Robert looked down,  
“I’m sorry. You know that.”  
Aaron looked at him,  
“Chrissie know you’re here?”  
Robert looked at him,  
“I don’t wanna talk about that.”  
Aaron shifted again and returned to watching the clouds,  
“Well if you’re here to have a go at me for telling, then you can shove it. I’m not sorry.”  
Robert took a breath,  
“I wanted to…explain some things to you.”  
Aaron glanced at him,  
“You what?”  
Robert hugged his knees to his chest,  
“I know you think that I didn’t want to tell Chrissie about us because I didn’t care about you as much as I do. But it’s not true.”  
He looked at him,  
“It’s not…”  
He looked away and stared at the near empty green,  
“First time I kissed another man was after I left here. I went away and I drank…a lot. I was out every night just...trying to forget everything. And I ended up in London in this club talking to this guy…and I couldn’t help it. I just…just kissed him. I don’t think I’ve ever been so scared…”  
He looked over at Aaron; memories of the other time he was terrified to kiss someone flooding back to him.  
“Maybe once.”  
Aaron frowned up at the sky; trying not to react to the man.  
“I had thought…about other men before but I hadn’t actually done anything, didn’t want more of a reason for my family to hate me. To tell me I was wrong. I’m just wrong, what I feel…this thing that I have inside me… Didn’t wanna keep seeing the look of disappointment on my dad’s face.”  
He let out a laugh,  
“He’d love you…blowing the secret. Putting me back in my place…bet he’d take you out for a drink and you can both…”  
He kicked at the ground,  
“Kick off about how fucking awful I am.”  
Aaron looked at the man as he spoke, seeing the pain in his face when he talked about his dad. He’d seen it before when the conversation had gone that way one night when they were holed up at Home Farm. He knew the pain Robert felt about his father and he was surprised at how openly Robert was talking about that part of his life. He looked away as Robert sighed,  
“Anyway… I kissed him- this guy-and when I did it was like a drug. Like something clicked, I finally had something that was completely new to me. And…it was mine you know? No one from my family was there to take it away. And it was a thrill and I wanted to do it more. So I did. I went to clubs and I met guys and I went home with them and I fucked them and I left. I always left.”  
He dropped his legs and shrugged,  
“I didn’t want a relationship with them but I just…they made me feel better you know? Made me feel like I wasn’t so empty. I always felt so…empty. But when I was in a bed with some stranger and he was telling me how great I was. How I made him feel so great…I wanted that.”  
He rubbed his face,   
“When I got the job with Lawrence and I met Chrissie…I saw something else that they had and I wanted it. I wanted the status and…and the money and hell…I wanted the family. I was going back to my empty flat every night and then out to sleep with…”  
He shrugged,  
“All I ever wanted as a family. Someone to be happy when I came home. Chrissie gave me that. She was happy when I was there, she wanted to see me and for a while it was enough. More than enough. I stopped sleeping around, I did my job and…”  
He looked at Aaron, who was watching him with a frown,  
“Then I came back here. And I met you.”  
He looked away and rubbed his face,  
“I’m a fucking joke. I’m a liar…and a cheat…and I don’t…have anyone.”  
Aaron clenched his fist to keep from reaching out and touching the man’s shoulder.   
“I don’t know why I do it. I just…have these walls built up and no matter what people do I can’t let them down.”  
He glanced at Aaron, who was back staring at the sky,  
“This isn’t an excuse. I know I’ve been…the things I’ve done. I don’t deserve anything.”  
He fell silent for a minute then looked at his hands,  
“I don’t mean it you know. When I said you were a mistake. You couldn’t be further form a mistake. The situation was a mistake. And right now…right now I would give anything to have you not hate me. I know that’s not gonna happen.”  
“What are you doing Robert?”  
Robert looked over at him,  
“What?”  
Aaron turned his head and looked at the man,  
“Why are you telling me how much Chrissie changed your life? I don’t give a shit.”  
Robert shook his head,  
“I’m not…I’m trying to explain…”  
“What? Why you’re a psycho?”  
Robert started at the words and slumped slightly,  
“I never wanted to be this person. I wanted to be good. I wanted to be loved…to love someone. And I had it. I had it and I threw it away.”  
He shook his head and pushed his hand though his hair,  
“I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve anyone nearly as good as you and maybe that’s why Chrissie and I worked so well together you know? We’re both damaged…”  
He looked around again,  
“She’s stability. She’s…”  
He turned and looked at Aaron,  
“She made me not feel so alone…I just didn’t want to be alone.”  
Aaron looked at him and chewed his lip,  
“I fucked up so badly…so so badly and it’s something I can never take back. I can never undo the hurt I’ve caused.”  
He shrugged,  
“Doesn’t really matter does it? Whatever I say. It won’t change anything. I did…what I did to you…I’m sorry.”  
Aaron glanced down and frowned,  
“Did you ever really love me?”  
Robert looked at him,  
“There’s no did…it’s not a past tense.”  
Aaron scoffed again,  
“Yeah okay, tell Chrissie that do you?”  
“Aaron if I thought for a second that there was a chance you would wanna be with me do you really think that I would be fighting for a marriage that is clearly over? She…she sees that. But you hate me. And I get it, I deserve it but I can’t do this alone. And being in that house with people that hate me is a hell of a lot better than being in my room alone…because there’s people that hate me in there too. Believe me.”  
Aaron watched him,  
“You have people. You have your money. I’m sure it’ll keep you happy.”  
Robert rolled his eyes,  
“Not the same though is it? Not like you. You have everyone loving you.”  
Aaron glared at him,  
“Maybe that’s because I don’t get rid of everyone that gets in my way.”  
Aaron turned his head back to the sky,  
“I didn’t…I didn’t mean to…”  
He huffed out a breath,  
“I don’t want you to hate me.”  
“Bit late for that.”  
“Is it?”  
Aaron looked at him; hating himself with how he still had feelings for the man. Hating that he still wanted to take him in his arms and kiss him. He sat up and rubbed his face. Climbing from the bench he shoved his hands in his pockets,  
“See you around yeah?”  
Robert jumped to his feet,  
“Please…please don’t go.”  
Aaron sighed,  
“What do you want from me Robert?”  
Robert shrugged; his eyes burning as they started shining with tears,  
“I want what we had. I want you.”  
Aaron laughed and rubbed his face,  
“You are unbelievable.”   
He looked at him,  
“What we had was a dirty little secret that you killed to keep. You destroyed us. You did.”  
Robert grabbed Aaron’s arm,  
“What we had was love. I love you.”  
“I don’t love you.”  
Robert dropped his hand,  
“Yeah but you know what? I don’t believe you. Not anymore.”  
Aaron looked at him,  
“I’m the liar now am I?”  
Robert swallowed,  
“I don’t care how long it takes…you wanted me to face up to what I am then here I am. I’m facing up to it. I want you. I love you and I am going to get you back.”  
Aaron shook his head,  
“You’re insane.”  
Robert shrugged,  
“Maybe. But I have nothing to lose. It’s all gone right? Can’t get much worse.”  
“I don’t know…I think Katie might have a different opinion. Think Andy might too.”  
Robert brushed a tear away quickly,  
“And I have to fight with that every single day. And I deserve it. I deserve all of it…I need you Aaron.”  
Aaron stepped away,  
“You need therapy.”  
Robert shrugged,  
“If that’s what it takes to get you on side again.”  
Aaron looked him up and down, part of him desperate to reach out and grab him but the rest of him screaming to get away,  
“Nothing you do can get me on side Robert.”  
“Don’t say that.”  
Aaron shrugged,  
“I don’t know why you felt the need to come tell me all this stuff but…it doesn’t change anything. I can’t trust you.”  
Roberts shoulders dropped,  
“What can I do to make you trust me?”  
Aaron shrugged,  
“Right now? Leave me alone.”  
Robert sat heavily on the bench,  
“I never wanted this. I never wanted you to hate me. For Chrissie to hate me…for my own family to hate me.”  
“BUT YOU DID IT. YOU BROUGHT ALL OF THIS ON TO YOURSELF.”  
Robert stood up,  
“YOU THINK I DON’T KNOW THAT? YOU THINK I DON’T REALISE THAT EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENED IS MY FAULT? YOU THINK I’M STUPID ENOUGH TO THINK PEOPLE ACTUALLY WANT ME HERE? EVERYTHING THAT HAS GONE WRONG IN MY LIFE IS MY FAULT. I HATE MYSELF FOR WHAT I’VE DONE BUT I CAN’T STOP…I can’t….fuck.”  
Aaron started at his outburst,  
“Rob-“  
“The only thing that I had in my life that I wanted to keep was you. You changed me Aaron. You made me feel like I could do good and I poisoned that as well. “  
Aaron looked at the man before him,  
“It’s not gonna make me change my mind.”  
Robert shrugged,  
“You won’t even give us a chance?”  
Aaron sighed and rubbed his face,  
“Fine. Look…clean start okay? No more…fighting. Just…we’ll be civil.”  
Robert looked at him,  
“Just tell me there is a chance…a chance for us to one day…”  
Aaron stared at him and shook his head gently,  
“I….”  
His heart hurt at the way Robert’s face fell. He nodded and wiped his eyes,  
“Right…”  
He sniffed and looked around,  
“God I really fucked this up huh?”  
Aaron had to clench his jaw to keep from crying,  
“I need you to know…I never went into this meaning to hurt anyone. Least of all you.”  
Aaron swallowed; his eyes blurring as he fought the urge to give into Robert.  
“I never loved anyone like I love you Aaron…never. And I never will again.”  
He shrugged,  
“I’ll leave you alone. I’m sorry for disturbing your day.”  
He stepped back and was about to turn when Aaron closed his eyes,  
“Rob.”  
Robert looked at him and Aaron swallowed,  
“Don’t…”  
He let out a laugh and rubbed his face,  
“You know you really have a fucked up way of trying to get around people.”  
Robert frowned,  
“What did I do?”  
Aaron looked at him incredulously,  
“Are you actually kidding? You stand there and you try and manipulate me with your little pity party and expect me to what? Fall back in your arms?”  
Robert shook his head,  
“No…no that’s not…I just wanted to explain to you.”  
Aaron lost it, he pushed Robert hard,  
“YOU MADE ME HATE MYSELF. YOU MADE ME A LIAR. I CAN NEVER FORGIVE WHAT I’VE DONE.”   
He rubbed his face,  
“You made me everything I hate. You…you made me fall in love with you and then you threw it back in my face. I mean does that even compute for you? Do you even understand how hard it’s been for me to fall in love with someone again?”  
Robert stepped closer,  
“I’m sorry.”  
“Fuck your sorry. Fuck you. All I want is to hate you…I want you gone. Out of my mind. Out of my life. Why can’t you just do me a favour and just…fuck off?”  
Robert started slightly and watched as Aaron tried to calm down,  
“You know the worst thing?”  
He rubbed his face,  
“I lied again.”  
He shrugged,  
“I lied. I-I-I do still love you. And I hate it.”  
He let out a long breath,  
“I can’t keep doing this Robert.”  
Robert reached for him and gripped his arm; a simple touch that seemed to clear Aaron’s mind and make him more confused than ever,  
“I’m just done…”  
Aaron looked up at Robert,  
“I wish we could have what we had but we can’t. Too much has gone on. Too much has happened. You…you broke my heart.”  
Robert clenched his jaw and shook his head. He reached his hand forward and cupped Aarons face. Aaron leant into the touch and closed his eyes. Robert leant in and pressed a kiss to his forehead before pulling him in for a hug.  
“I wish I could take it all back. More than anything I wish I could take it back. Take it away.”  
Aaron pushed him back gently,  
“Don’t…”  
Robert pushed his hands through his hair,  
“I can’t let you go Aaron.”  
Aaron looked at him,  
“We don’t have a choice.”  
Robert grabbed him,  
“We do. We do have a choice. I am making a choice. I am changing. I’m trying. For you. This is all for you. I want you Aaron. I want that life again. I want you to be my life. You know everything now we can start again. I promise you we can start again.”  
Aaron looked at him for a long moment; his mind swimming as he fought the urge to walk away and at the same time pull the man in and just be in his arms.   
“Just give me one chance. One. That’s all I ask. To make it up to you, to prove to you that I can make you happy. And if I screw it up then you can throw me out and I won’t…I won’t bother you again. I promise.”  
Aaron swallowed, already knowing his answer despite the screaming in his mind. Robert tried to read his face only to slowly realise what the answer was going to be. He stepped back,  
“Right.”  
He rubbed his neck and nodded as his eyes filled with tears,  
“Well then….”  
He cleared his throat and turned away; he had made it three feet when Aaron opened his mouth,

 

“Okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> I had a lot of trouble posting this, so any feedback is hugely welcome...and I am sorry if it is as rubbish as I think it is!


End file.
